Or else… ?
Posted by: Janet on: June 30, 2008
My favorite parenting book so far is Boundaries with Kids. It’s given me terms for understanding my children’s behavior, and taught me the importance of disciplining them as someone who’s on their side, who’s firm but not angry, and who is helping them to recognize and respect the defining boundaries that will surround them all through life.
The basic principle is to state what the consequence will be if a certain boundary isn’t respected, then let the consequence occur. My problem is that I’m not very creative with consequences! I thought I’d share a few of mine here, and ask my readers for some input. What works for you?
Here are mine.
- For hurting your sister: one warning, then if it happens again, I forbid them to play together for a certain period of time. They immediately start thinking of how much they love to play together, and what they lose when they don’t respect each other. It also communicates their value to me; they are worth protecting from harm.
- For failing to complete a job (clean your room, clear the table, feed the dog, etc.) within a certain time limit: a toy gets put away for a period of time.
- For failing to manage a scatterworthy toy (legos, lincoln logs, crayons, beads…): toy is put up for 24 hours. Sometimes they lose the privilege of playing freely with it, and can only do so under supervision.
- For defiance: extra chores, though I have a hard time thinking of ones suited to ages 7 or 4. Any suggestions? (They often resist doing their chores, but they LOVE anything to do with sweeping, spraying and wiping, or washing with soap and water.) I can think of: weeding, straightening books in bookcases, folding towels…?
- I use time-outs for various offenses.
- For failing to do chores: a portion of their allowance is withheld.
Those are my best ones. What works for you? I find it easier to think of punishments than real consequences that will communicate and teach a value: what do you lose when you don’t share? What problems are you creating for yourself when you don’t take care of your stuff? I’m looking for practical ways to help my children ask these kinds of questions as a result of decisions they make, rather than simply assert my control over them. So if you have some ideas, please leave me a comment!
5 Responses to "Or else… ?"
June 30, 2008 at 11:25 pm
:-) The Consequences do sound like an intimidating bunch, don’t they?
I agree about sharing. When it’s forced, it’s not sharing anymore; it’s redistribution of wealth. It’s definitely encouraged in our household, but the girls have private space to store things they aren’t ready to share.
Thanks for the good thoughts!
July 1, 2008 at 7:01 pm
We are just entering the worst sibling rivalry stage. I’ll definitely check out that book and consider some of your ideas. Thanks for visiting my site and reminding me of Welty. I’ll have to reread that book! I’m enjoying perusing your site and getting a longer list of books to read (because the 20 beside my bed aren’t enough…)
July 2, 2008 at 2:11 pm
When my kids get beyond what we consider to be spanking age (8-10, depending upon the child), it can become quite challenging to carefully match the proper discipline required to the child’s disobedience.
You might already know about this book, but a helpful resource for me over the years has been For Instruction in Righteousness: A Topical Reference Guide for Biblical Child Training by Pam Forster.
After figuring out in your own mind which bottom-line sin was committed (pride, greed, laziness, revenge, etc.), this book then lists Scriptural references for those sins and some potential consequences.
I really try to point out to the child what the Bible says about their specific disobedience — “You must not hurt your sister because the Bible says ‘Love is kind,’ and what you did was not kind.” Or, “You must not hurt your sister because the Bible says ‘Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity.’” (I checked Strong’s Exhausting Concordance and verified that the Hebrew word there for “brothers” is a primary word used in the widest sense of literal relationship and metaphorical affinity or resemblance, i.e., it can also be translated “another” or “kindred”).
Pam Forster’s book not only helps with the the Scriptural “why?” behind the sin, but also with the “what now?” consequences.
July 3, 2008 at 10:22 am
Thanks for your response! I’m not familiar with that book. I do know ‘Strong’s Exhausting Concordance,’ though! :-)
I’m a little (okay a lot) afraid I’d end up making naming statements in a conversation like you describe: “You’re _______.” (I’m not saying you do this! It’s a fear I have about myself.) I felt like I had sin labels thrown at me growing up, and they didn’t help me develop an understanding of myself and my motives. They tended to confuse and hurt. I’m sure there’s a way to have a conversation like that that’s productive, though.
One of the things I like about ‘Boundaries with Kids’ is that it leaves the child’s heart their problem. My job as a parent is to give a warning, then follow through if they decide to cross a boundary anyway. They suffer consequences for their decision, and it’s up to them to reflect on why they made the decision. I don’t have lots of experience with children other than my own, but I find them to be pretty astute little people when it comes to knowing their own hearts.
I agree about articulating biblical principles and stories as we live our lives. Umbrella questions like “WWJD?” don’t work much better for children than they do for adults! I remember a few months back listening to my girls discussing the messy room they’d just been asked to clean up. They’d received a WWJD bracelet as a prize for something in Sunday school. The older one wondered aloud, “What would Jesus do if he saw this room?”
“He would discipline us!” said the younger one.
“Or… he might ask the angels to help him,” said the older one.
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June 30, 2008 at 6:19 pm
When my kids were small we had an IF/THEN chart posted right on the wall- available from Doorposts. You have to come up with your own “then’s”. I can’t remember what they all were. It may be incorrect to do this these days but a few major offenses like lying, direct disobedience/defiance/disrespect got a specific amount of swats on the behind. Other things had other consequences, much like you mentioned. One that was particularly effective for us was the “sweets are for the sweet” rule- no sweets/desserts/snacks for nasty attitudes or bickerings.
Also, take yourself out of the equation about “sharing”- each thing belongs to someone. Life is more fun when we work together and share but it has to be voluntary. You’d be amazed at how freeing this is for parents and children. It has it’s own built in consequences.
Here’s a fuuny story I heard years ago that always makes me grin- A little girl was being especially trying to her mother and siblings one day. She had time outs and toys taken away, extra chores assigned etc. and finally her mother told her if she disobeyed again she was going to live with the consequences! Well, she was bad again and her mother took her to her room and gave her a spanking. Then she told her to stay there until she was done crying. The girl cried on and on and on. Finally, the mom had to go see whay this spanking had her so upset. When asked the little girl sobbed out, “I only did one thing wrong, and now I have to go live with the Consequences. And I don’t even know who they are!!”