My goal when I started homeschooling was to cultivate the love of learning in my daughter. By streamlining instruction so that it’s one-to-one, and cutting wasted or dead time, I thought that I could make school something she would look forward to.
That hasn’t happened. She doesn’t wake up eager to hit the schoolbooks. Sometimes other mothers seem to have children who are really enjoying the school part of homeschooling, and I feel like a massive failure. As my husband said the other night, “She loves learning, but doesn’t like school.” In other words, the same dichotomy exists in homeschooling as existed in her public school experience. I haven’t succeeded in meeting my goals.
As I’ve thought and prayed through this, I’m starting to see it differently. “I’m a failure” is an easy conclusion to come to. It’s my default mode. But there are other ways of seeing this issue, too.
Personality type. For one thing, is the love for school I see in some other kids always the product of their mothers? Or is it also a product of their personalities? When I look at my daughter (7), I see someone who’s not at all a passive or compliant person. I don’t mean that she’s in rebellion, or cops an attitude. I mean that she’s filled to bursting with ideas all the time. It’s been this way since the beginning, when she was quite happy in the playpen and could amuse herself handily there. She never wakes up in the morning wondering, “What will I be taught today?” Instead she wakes up with a multi-point agenda, a list of things she wants to make, do, experience. School — an agenda imposed from without — interrupts this. It doesn’t matter if the materials are dull or ingenius.
I’m not an unschooler. And I accept the Charlotte Mason life-as-learning idea. But I’m not about to give up all structure in our schooling. That strikes me as a way of turning a potentially major strength (being an idea person) into a potentially major weakness (being a person who either doesn’t respect others, or doesn’t recognize that there’s a body of knowledge outside herself. She doesn’t know it all, and has to learn to learn.)
Looking around me, in my own world and the larger world accessible to me through reading and other media, I see plenty of people who didn’t like school and grew up to be major influencers and leaders, people of genius that end up blazing the trail that many lovers of school ultimately follow. Maybe I need to reformulate my understanding of “love of learning” so that it doesn’t insist on “love of school.” Can I be okay with my daughter being who she is? Can I accept that her room is always tilting toward a state of entropy, and teaching her to maintain order is a constant effort? Can I accept that every night as I tuck her in she’s making plans for what we’re going to do tomorrow with the Model Magic, not the math workbook? Can I celebrate the fact that as she’s learning to draw, she’s always eager to get through the lesson so she can draw horses? If so, then maybe I can begin to see that she has an absolute passion for learning — even if it isn’t there for the curriculum insisted upon by the State of New York, or for skills and knowledge in areas she’s not naturally attracted to.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t work to find the best materials possible to fit with our children’s learning styles. I’m just saying that it’s conceivable that even the best materials won’t transform certain kinds of people into lovers of school, and maybe, just maybe, that’s okay.
Making peace. I’ve been talking about making peace with her personality type. In reality, it’s also making peace with my own. I’ve spent a vast majority of my life in an academic setting, and went into homeschooling with the idea that I am a lover of school. I thought, “I will absolutely love teaching my daughter!”
Well, yes… and no. Truth be told, I love certain kinds of learning, much like my daughter. For instance, I have a doctorate in English, because I love to read stories, not because of generic love for school. I could never read a textbook to save my life, all the way through college. The number of pages my eyes have dutifully but disinterestedly plodded across over the years, reading the words while my mind wanders, retaining nothing — it numbers in the thousands. I’m beginning to love and devour nonfiction, but only of certain kinds. I was put into accelerated math early on, but wasn’t interested enough to ever really stay on top of it. And I still remember my 7th grade teacher slapping my exam on The Hobbit down on my desk and saying, “It’s a good thing you can write!” Unspoken: “Because you obviously didn’t read it.” Nope. Didn’t. Not till much later in life, when I wanted to myself — and then I loved it.
Do I “love” teaching my daughter? Yes, on the “my daughter” part. I went into this in order to build our relationship, and I thought offering her my academic side (my “best side,” I believed) was a good way to do that. Our relationship is getting built, but not so much because of anything to do with the academics. It’s because when you homeschool there’s really not much left to hide behind; I have to face and engage with my children even in areas where I’m unsure of myself. It’s been great to begin reaping the rewards of that in our friendship.
But the “teaching” part? Not a thrill to teach first grade. No. (Such a relief, typing it out loud.) First grade math, spelling, handwriting, language skills? Pretty slow going. I do like history, as I knew I would going into it. And of course I love all the reading we do together, and feel absolutely delighted to see her develop the skills to take off on her own. I’ve also enjoyed feeding her interest in horses. I love some parts of it but not others — much like her. We study all of it, but we love parts. And once we love it, somehow in my mind that part sheds the category of “school.”
Revise the goal. Maybe I need to revise “cultivate a love of learning” as a goal, since when I say that I’ve seemed to mean “cultivate love of school.” Maybe it would be better to make the goal “encourage her creative energy while equipping her with skills and knowledge she needs.” Or… something.
I’ll find as many ways as possible to set that energy free in the context of academics, but in the end, the creative energy is the most valuable thing on the table. It’s the essence of who she is, the core from which most of her deepest satisfactions and accomplishments will flow. And yes, math and spelling are important in their way, but they’re not the heart of educational success. Far from it.